Health and Safety Tip: Hotel Bed Checks

Editor's note: Columnist Gomorrah Tides is a former Black Ops operative and a part-time ship's chandler.

According to the U.S. Department of Statistics, 2.3 million Americans were murdered last year in hotel rooms in the United States. Of these, more than three-fourths were murdered in their sleep in cold blood by someone who hid under the bed until the victim was sound asleep.

LAPD police sergeant Charlie Deuce, whose homicide group has investigated more than 300,000 such crimes in the 12 years of his administration, says there "is one thing, and one thing only" that travelers can do to avoid becoming the next victims of such a crime.

"Check under your bed first thing when you check into the room," he says. "And then check under the bed when you return to the room. And even if you just go to the bathroom to take a shower or use the head, check under the bed when you go back into the main room. Just look under there and make sure no one's under there."

Criminals who hide under hotel beds are "quiet and fast as a snake," Deuce says. "They are like magicians, like Fred Copperfield or whatever-the-frig-his-name-is. They could get into your room and under the bed even if you and 20 judges had the bed surrounded."

However, Deuce says, such criminals are generally not dangerous until the victim is actually asleep. "Yeah, for reasons we don't really know, if you find one of these dudes under you bed, you just have to ask him nicely to leave. Something like, 'Come on, man, we see you under there. Come on out.' But then you have to make sure he actually leaves your room. Sometimes they'll say, 'Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll leave,' then they'll slip back under there with intent to kill you."

It's only when the victim is asleep that these criminals turn into killers. So don't fear. Just be sure to check under your hotel bed—and have a great vacation!